Title: The Reason
Author: Bj Jones
Rating: FRT-13
Summary: Horatio tells Speed he’s the reason
***
Speed opened the front door and stared in shock then turned cold. “You have a nerve.”
Horatio slipped off his sunglasses and looked at his lover, more like ex-lover. He had screwed up big time. “Can we talk?”
The redhead wondered if he would even get through the front door. He had seriously hurt the younger man and deserved to have the door slammed in his face.
Speed sighed, “Make it quick, I’m having dinner with Alexx later.”
Subtle hint, one wrong move and Horatio would have momma on his doorstep. Horatio nodded not surprised he wasn’t allowed in the apartment. The redhead figured the best thing to do was get straight to the point. There was no use in giving false statements or stupid excuses.
“I’m not a perfect person.” Horatio looked at his lover. “There’s many things I wish I didn’t do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you.”
“You didn’t mean to cheat on me?” Speed demanded, his voice hard with anger.
Horatio closed his eyes, he could feel the pain he caused Speed. One night, too many drinks, and a mistake that was ripping his life apart. He should have never been at that bar; he should have never even acknowledged the advances.
“I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know.” The redhead looked into the pain filled brown eyes. “I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little late?” he asked. “I thought we had forever. I told you things I told no one. “
“I’m sorry that I hurt you, it’s something I must live with everyday.” Horatio closed his eyes. The look in Speed’s eyes when he told him what happened. The shock and then the hurt as the words sunk in.
“Do you know how hard it is to be at work and know?” Speed wiped a tear away. “To know you slept with her.”
“All the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away.” The older man reached up to wipe away Speed’s tear. “Be the one who catches all your tears.”
“You promised me,” Speed choked.
“I’m not a perfect person, there’s many things I wish I didn’t do.” Horatio let his own tears fall. “But I found a reason that I have to start anew, change who I used to be, and then I realized the reason was you.” Horatio let his own tears fall.
“Why should I even allow you through the front door let alone a new start?” the brunette demanded.
“Because I’ve found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know; a reason for all that I do and that reason is you.” Horatio ran a hand through his hair. “I thought I had to be the strong one, be there for everyone, not show any weakness. And that lead me to hiding my biggest fear, and that night it came to the fore.”
Speed looked into Horatio’s blue. “What fear?”
“That you would leave. Everyone I have ever loved has left me. Either because of my job, my over protectiveness, or they just got tired of dealing with me.” He opened up for the first time in his life, showing his darkest fears. “When we fought that night I convinced myself it was over, that you would leave like the rest.”
“And Yelina?” the young man asked.
“A stupid mistake that I regret more than anything in my life. One too many drinks and some soft comforting words that meant nothing and…” Horatio choked. “I destroyed the best thing in my life.”
Speed searched for something in Horatio’s eyes. The older man dropped all his shields and let the younger man see everything, his regret, his fears, the love he had for him, everything. He laid his soul bare.
Speed choked back a sob, then grabbed the older man’s shirt and pulled him into a hard demanding kiss. Horatio slipped his arms around the slim waist and held him close, relishing in the feel of Speed’s body in his arms.
The brunette pulled back. “It’s not going to be easy. A lot of trust has been lost.”
“I know.” Horatio cupped the scruffy cheek. “I just want to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I love you, and showing you that you are my reason for living.”
The younger man smiled as he pulled Horatio into the apartment. “I love you.”
Horatio closed his eyes, letting the words wash over him. A sob shook his body. Speed held him close, running his hands up and down the strong back giving comfort, soft words of comfort whispered in his ear. Horatio held him close. “God, I’m so sorry…”
“I know, and so am I…” Speed covered the redhead’s mouth with his finger. “I should have come to you that night. Settled things between us, instead of letting it simmer. I retreated into myself when things go wrong and that led us to a bad situation.”
“I hurt you…” Horatio whispered.
Speed kissed him long and deep. “You’re here now.”
The two held each other close, letting go of the past and moving on to the future.